Friday

we dont school on Fridays this is the first year trying this but since we're going year round now i decided that it was ok to take Friday's off too.We just started this about a month ago.I had asked J about it the beginning of the school year since we never know if the boys are going with him to work on Fridays so he can take them to the meeting place on the weekends they go to moms or if J's mom is going to come get them after work.He had said he didnt think we needed to but then they were still missing every other Friday and i'd get cranky because i would have things planned for school and it'd put us behind.Some people might say well thats why you homeschool though to go at your own pace and you're right but i still keep a schedule of things i want to accomplish over the month.When we'd miss friday's after fridays it would make me cranky and so i decided that this was one area i DID have control over so i changed it.:)

The kids played outside most of the day yesterday.We're suppose to be getting like feet of snow this week.blech i hate snow.Yesterday was that warm day you know you get before it starts to snow so the kids took advantage of it.Our frends had dropped off a new play set for the younger kids and Holly loves it although she asked me
"mommy what about if junior or jacob want to use it" I assured her that Manny and Patty knew she would get more use out of it then the boys and thats why they gave it to us.I love how compassionate she is though even at a mere 4 years old.All of my kids are like that and it's a quality i'm very proud of them for having

While enjoying the silence inside my house i took a second to write out the Christmas letter i'll send to my family.I ended up in tears on the phone with my mom.I had been writing descriptions about each kid and what they've been up to something positive about their characters and when i got to Andrew there wasnt a whole lot i could say i wrote

Andrew is 7 and growing up and maturing a bit more each day.We have had our struggles,me and him,He is a very hurt boy and needs lots of love which somedays i just dont think is even enough.It makes me very sad but i will not give up on him and i know someday he'll realize why things turned out the way they did.He still loves his stuffed animals and is constantly building things.

I just kept reading and re reading it and feeling sadder and sadder.I've always been extremly open with my family.I know my family loves me no matter what i've done(and trust me i've done some bad things in my lifetime)They want the best for me and my children and i didnt want them to just think that things between me and all my kids were rosey and beautiful.I want them to keep Andrew in his prayers and to love him as much as i do.True i didnt write how at least monthly he on purpose hurts one of my kids and now has even turned on his brother.I didnt write that there are days i wish i could send just him to public school but i know home is the best place for him because in school he just sat there all day.But i also am struggling with feeling like I didnt honor him as well as i could've.I couldnt come up with much positive to say about him and it hurt.I was sad.I really struggle with this kid i lvoe him as my own and i know most of his behavior is not his fault.It is reprecussions from his mom walking out on him at 3 years old.It is(as one of my friends pointed out a couple weeks ago) due to the constant rejection he feels every other weekend when he goes to his mom's and his mom doesnt even spend time with him but lets their roomate take him to go do things instead of her herself spending time with him.Then he comes back home,that kind of rejection hurts is hard to handle and how can a 7 year old get grasp on that?It makes it harder when no one else in the family really seems to think anything is wrong with that and that Andrew will be fine and grow out of it.It is hard when he reminds me a lot of my adopted brother i grew up with.But as i said in my letter I love him and I will not give up on him.

So back to my Friday.I had my dr's apt at 3:15 and as i said in my last blog Lorraine my mil had said she would pick up the boys between 2:30-3:00.Me and li'l J were cracking jokes and making bets when she would actually show.I had already decided that if she wasnt here by 3 i would load up all of the kids and just take them with me no biggie she could meet me at the dr's.Well she called me at 2:55 to say she was still 10 minutes away.Now i dont know about some of you buut most dr's offices like you to show up about 10-15 minutes early.And i'm one of those people that just cannot be late no matter even if i try to be late i just cant!!SO i politley told her what i just typed and she said she'd be there in 10 minutes.Then she called back 10 minutes later and said if i was soooo worried about being late to just leave Andrew and Li'l J there at the house

I was like i cant do that.Now li'l J i could he is 11 and 10 minutes alone at the house he could handle but to leave Andrew there as well.Especially because i had just emptied his pockets of small toys he was sneaking to his moms(we have all agreed on a rule of no bringing toys back and forth because it just gets messy toys get lost,broken,and so forth)She told me just do it she was just around the corner.So i did.I hugged each kiddo and told them to stand by the window and that grandma would be here in a minute.She had told me to leave them outside but i'm thinking ok 2 kids sitting outside with no cars outfront....umm i dont think so!!SO as i was pulling away she was pulling up.i dont think i've ever driven that slowly down my street before.lol.

A few minutes later my phone rang and it was her.She said in a very mocking voice

"i have the boys they're safe"all i could think of was yeah i wonder how many toys Andrew pocketed as fast as he could and i wonder if they were someone elses.

I thanked her politely for picking up the boys and she said

"well werent you ever left alone in the 5th grade"

" i told her yes i was I was even taking the bus downtown by myself in the 5th grade but i would never leave Kenna or Andrew home alone"

Her response?"oh it makes them feel grown up.I just kind of laughed as i thought yeah grown up...um he's 7 he doesnt need to feel grown up and if feeling scared because he already deals with abandoment issues,or he steals things while i'm gone is feeling grown up i'm not ready for him to feel grown up yet.But then i thought back to when i first started dating Jerry in highschool....his younger brother uncle Dan was in 5th grade and yes left alone contantly.His mom was teaching in another city and only home on the weekends and dad worked and well Jerry was in highscool.This is just how this family does thing.Makes the kids grown ups before they really even need to be.Sigh it's hard when we have two different ways of raising kids and when it comes to my stepsons the grandma has more say so then i do.

Anyways i made it to my dr's apt and it was for a refill on my xanax.She refused to give it to me.She wants me to try another anti anxiety/depression medcine.This will be the 5th one i've tried in a year or two.She wants me to try Celexa.Ok i'll try it but like i told her i know the xanax helps.I have horrid panick attacks I always have even as a child.But of course she doesnt want to give me more because it has been known as an addictive drug.I told her I realize this but i dont abuse the drug,and even my mom has noticed a difference since i started taking it.I'm able to deal with the ex wife,the mother inlaw,just everything a lot better.I also told her i watch those shows where people are addicted to xanax and pop 3-4 at a time and i always tell J "i just could never see myself doing that i mean those drugs are there to help me in the times i need them 1) it would be a waste and 2) thats just stupid.But the dr didnt care......she suggested counsling again which i told her was a great idea and i was actually looking into but nobody had called me back yet.Also please someone tell me when am i gonna have time for counseling with 6 kids?SO yeah i kind of feel like my dr appoitnment was a bust.But i did come home and tried to call the guidance center again and actually got a real human this time who transfered me to scheduling which of course i got a voicemail and hopefully she'll call me on Monday.

I would love to go talk to a counselor have someone that would just listen to everything i was frustrated about.....maybe offer some insight.But the dr was liek well you need to set up healthy boundaries.I have i have set up the boundaries i have control over.The ex wife no longer has my phone number.I am no longer setting up how the boys get down to their moms(for the most part unless i have a dr's appointemnt like today) and yea i have set up the boundaries i can.But the other things i have no control over bother me and sometimes send me into a tailspin.So if i can got to someone and just talk to them about it...thats good.Now if i can find the time.

After my dr's appointement i was pretty much spent.I got the kiddos and me Mc Donalds and we came home.I snuggled up with Kenna under a blanket on the chair and the rest of the kids got their blankets and we watched Frosty and Frosty returns 2 of my most favortist shows EVER!!!!Then we watched the Flight before Christmas.If anyone else watched it let me know what you thought.

It was interesting because the reindeer in it did not know who his dad was only that he was on santa's team and when he did finally meet santa's team no one would step up and say he was his dad.All the time he had a squirrel father figure with him.When he did finally find out who his dad was he told the dad that it was ok he knew he had been scared of saying he had a son.....ugggggg.....then the little reindeer goes back to the squierrel because his "dad" had been with him all along.YES I CRIED like a big ol baby.I think partially because i was whiped out from the days events.The kids seemed to enjoy it but i wish i would've watched it first....i'm not sure if i would've let them watch it or not.My kids could handle it but yeah.....

So of course with everything going through my head i was wide awake at 3:30 this morning.so here i sit playing on the computer.J is going woodcutting today and taking Nathaniel with him for some one on one time.I think Nathaniel is needing some of it.

I'm hoping maybe today i will actually get to scan some pics of my friends and me from our school days.I've recently gotten in touch with a bunch of them on facebook and it would be fun to look through the photos i think!!